(by Angelina Jolie)
How much I connect with her is uncanny I don’t even know where to start.
6:00 How old were you,when you & your boyfriend started cutting each other?—“I was 14.I started having sex & sex didn’t feel like enough & no emotions are enough & there’s always something you wanna break out of to feel more connected to another person;something more honest;& in wanting to find something more honest,I grabbed a knife&cut him & he cut me back..we had this exchange of something,my heart was raising & there was somethin’dangerous & felt more honest than whatever sex/connection between 2people was supposed to be.I went thru a period that when I feel trapped I cut myself’cause it felt like I was releasing something & it was honest. ..I had this desperate need to communicate,whatever it is inside me,something we wanna reach out or throw our emotions&thoughts at &hope that we’d make some sense.” *yes,the desperate need to communicate & the need for something honest.In my case,I didn’t do cutting.But there’s this thing I do everytime I can’t control my emotions & I wanted to stop crying but I couldn’t,or I want to cry & feel something but I couldn’t;either I kick a wall repeatedly “real hard” or I dig my nails into my skin as hard as I can,& my arms,legs & stomach were literally covered in tiny red swollen marks that would last for hours.I was so young I thought it was just one of those little normal habits people do like sucking their thumbs or picking on chapped lips.Then I found out it was more than that & was actually a form of self-harm & I didn’t really quite understand what that meant back then. Then this thing kind of developed in highschool when I started dating.Like,with sex,or kissing,I have this strong urge to leave tiny cuts on their lips/tongue & scratches on their backs/arms but others liked it so I thought it was pretty normal,then later on I found out what really turns me on is blood,which I think is not very common,but also not that unusual.
10:30-11:55 (About sexuality,I love this part) “..I still find it pretty strange that people get shocked by something like that.”
18:00- “I’ve read that book(Girl,Interrupted) yrs.before & I’ve realized I’ve underlined everything Lisa. ..I felt that she was honest in a world where a lot of things were not & I did see that as a very sad thing’cause she wanted desperately for somebody to call her out,talk to her honestly,to be direct to her,to have a real connection.”
Does it bother you that you’re often misunderstood? —“It bothers me more that we live in a world that focuses on certain types of things in certain ways.I’d be happy if somebody wrote an article about my sexuality or fascination w/different things they consider dark & really analyze it & express it in an intelligent way.”
*exactly.If someone were to tell my stories,I want it to be someone who’s just open & honest. No sugar coated made-up stories,no false assumptions,no mumbo jumbo,no pretentions,just pure honesty.
25:00-27:45-.. “I went to a lot of orphanages & something just felt like home,I don’t know how to explain it. ..Mad was the last kid I saw,he was asleep,he was 3months old & he opened his eyes & stared at me for the longest time,I started crying & he smiled. I hadn’t held children in my life & I was always considered so dark & so many things that feel like maybe I shouldn’t be somebody’s mom’cause the world has this opinion on me & the fact that this little kid seemed to be at ease gave me the courage that maybe I could make him happy. ..& yea,I was so happy,unbelievably happy.He’s my bestfriend.He’s my everything.”
34:25 What turns you on? “Something raw.”
What turns you off? “Something false.”
Other profession you’d like to attempt? -“Explorer”
Profession you’d absolutely not like to attempt: - “anything that is the same every single day & lock me in a small space.”
*see how strangely accurate & uncanny it is
36:00 I could do a sex scene quite easy. I can’t have an emotional scene having to look at someone across a dinner table w/o gettin’uncomfortable.Soul connection is very difficult.Physical thing is,for some people..for me,is very easy.
*excuse me while I lie flat on the ground,stare into space, & experience existential crisis because I feel very connected to this woman. It means a lot seeing things like this. Especially when you’re trapped in a family that you don’t connect with..at all. But with this ,it’s like,they just get it. They get you. Suddenly,you don’t feel so strange. Or it’s like them saying,it’s ok if you’re strange because I am too & it’s not your fault if people have this narrow perception on things that are important to you,it’s not your job & it’s beyond your ability to make them understand what’s going on inside of you but rather your job to focus on finding people like you,whom you share the same experiences & connect with.
I have this thing about meeting people. Like,most people would be interested n a person on an instant/even obsess over them based purely on their looks/how physically stimulating they are; & that never appealed to me. I’m not saying there’s something wrong with that,but..the world’s definition of beauty,& their obsession for it. Yea,looks is the first thing you’d notice but it’s effect on me just last in a short period of time. You can get my attention more with the little honest details about yourself compared to let’s say,a very famous & attractive person infront of me but there’s nothing there I can communicate to or they’re so full of pretention. I don’t know,it’s easy for me to lose interest w/things like that. I can’t explain it,I don’t know,it’s very silly,really.